by Maria Ashe

After months of insurmountable complaints regarding Hamden High’s utterly redundant staircases, Hamden High Administration has decided to do the only right thing. Effective immediately, every staircase in the building will be swapped with an ergonomic bouncy slide! Construction typically would take months, however, Hamden High has enlisted the help of a magic fairy godmother who happened to be in town during the last board meeting. “I figured, why not make school a little more fun for everyone?” said the mysterious 5-inch tall woman. 

With these new installments, Admin has projected student satisfaction to increase tenfold, as recent studies have shown a direct link between bouncy slides and high GPAs. “The serotonin that is released in your brain after a ride down a bouncy slide leaves your brain on a high, which causes an uptick in focus,” explains a Harvard researcher. HHS students, we have a lot to be excited about!

However, some students and staff have expressed concern about this new addition to the building. Some individuals believe that the bouncy slides will only decrease student productivity and keep the students out of the classroom. The question has been raised: how will students be able to focus on their work if they are distracted by the cheerful laughs of their peers going down the slides? 

More importantly, how are students supposed to get back up the slide if all stairways are completely gone? The argument has been made that students can climb up the slides to get back up to their classrooms, but considering the amount of students that will be making their way down simultaneously, to some, the situation seems like a recipe for lost teeth, broken limbs, and major rug-burn. One student said, “I left my coat up on the third floor, but now that we’ve got these bouncy slides I think I’d rather walk home cold than attempt to climb back up there. My doctor said if I try it again, the damage to my brain from another head-on collision might be irreversible.” 

What do you think about these new changes? Recipe for disaster or a brand new way to make your daily commute fresh and exciting? Let us know here at the Dial . We can’t make any promises that we’ll be able to publish your thoughts; however, as the magical fairy architect of this project has threatened to press charges if we slander her hard work. (For legal reasons, I am  a big fan of magic, whimsy, and bouncy slides. If I go missing, please search the fairy godmother’s home first.)