In a shocking pivot from the status quo, the honor roll certificates were distributed in the auditorium during full-grade assemblies this week. Names were called, and then people would receive their paper before walking across the stage, but the administration thought go big or go home. They asked themselves, why limit ourselves to basking in solely a few meters of applause? For marking period four, the administration is thinking bigger. Students on the honor roll will be paraded across the entire school, all four wings on all three floors. In addition, the students achieving high honors will be able to display their (most likely misprinted) piece of cardstock while going through the swimming pool, the boiler rooms, and the teacher’s lounge, finishing in Mr. Jackson’s office. 

April Fools.