Georgia Kirkendall

That’s right, the age of dipping your chips in heavenly goodness is over. While it may come as a shock to most people, the demise of guacamole has been inevitable in the United States. And not just guacamole, either. All things avocado will soon become unavailable, as the U.S. government just recently enacted a ban on the cultivation and importation of avocado products. With a full stop on the avocado market, products are estimated to run out by the end of April 2021. 

Why would the U.S. government ever ban such a popular product? As Director of Food Distribution John Bubly tells us, there are many prominent reasons. “I’m frankly surprised the ban hadn’t been enacted earlier, with all of the detrimental effects it has been causing the country.” What could be so harmful about avocados? “Well,” Bubly said in a private statement, “Avocados have been seriously depleting the U.S. treasury. The fruit has always been pricey, and the recent discovery of its beneficial fats has seriously driven up its value. The U.S. consumes four times as much avocados as Europe, which consumption is recorded to be 1kg per person per year.” After some prodding, it was revealed that the United States has lost $4.5 billion to the product. 

Other than the economical impact, avocados may have side effects. 25 percent of consumers have reportedly experienced skin rashes and loss of toenails. The National Scientific Health board, which is researching these effects in massive U.S. populations, declined from comment. One possible culprit could be seed weevil, a pest previously found in Mexican avocados. In 1914 the U.S. Agricultural Department enacted a ban on the Mexian product to safeguard U.S. avocados from the pest, but it was lifted in 1997. Seed weevil, a foremost threat to agricultural farming in California, is suspected of harmful health effects as well. 

As this new information has recently been revealed, American citizens are torn between stocking up on the guacamole ingredient and forsaking all fruits imported from Mexico. Personally, guacamole is worth the risk. 

April Fools!